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Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
12:30 am - FRUSTRATED

current mood: frustrated

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Monday, July 7th, 2008
10:11 pm - disappointed
last night chris and i met again, and it was a long talky walk around city park lake. every once in a while chris would stop and say something like "if that's the way you feel about the way i deal with things, we have no chance." i had to rephrase myself multiple times last night to avoid divorce. that's how i feel about it. clearly, this is a biased account. our talks are so brutally honest, it's amazing. I feel like i'm calmly insulting and she's calmly disbelieving and calmly refuting and i'm calmly rephrasing. all the while, we're both on the verge of tears and she's angry because she feels like it's a business negotiation and all i'm asking for is another chance, and she can't even say that i'll get another chance and i don't know if i'm really the one who needs another chance, but it ties back to my not being able to stop trying. i try all the time. today we were planning to hang out with a mutual friend, one that we're both comfortable with and is aware of our problems, but we always have a good time. i looked forward to it all day, and 10 minutes before the end of my 12 hour work day, chris texts me to say that she's not going to be able to do it tonight because she's too tired. i know she's too tired. i'm too tired. my judgement is impaired. i shouldn't get into this relationship again and drive right now, but it's just like having a DUI, losing your license. It's forced corner time. But I don't even know who was driving when we crashed. and i don't know what today reprsents. that chris is too tired, so it doesn't happen, and i'm lost for another whole evening, with absolutely no productivity to speak of. i can't do anything right now. i'm supposed to be out making the most of my life, but all i do is call friends, try to hang out with people, go to work, school, work, camp, camp, work school. i'm eating awfully, terrible food, no self-control. i'm off my bike for days now. chris and i have been separated for a week and a half.
i am a mere shadow of my potential. chris is my wife, and she asks if i'm able to accept her as she is. between every word of acceptance i utter, a silent "i really want to, i am trying so hard, how can you think that?" i feel manic, when i write like this. i feel frustrated to some great degree. she wants to reestablish her self-esteem. should that come at the expense of our marriage? maybe. will it? who knows? she doesn't know how much she can take. i don't know how much i can take. i just don't know.

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Saturday, July 5th, 2008
12:01 am - alright
i think i'll actually post on this tomorrow, but i did see chris today. we had about an hour and a half of previously viewed conversation. we both cried, she did just a bit of yelling, and i still need to accept her the way she is. boulder and the fireworks were nice, but i'm getting down doing all of these things when i can't do them with chris. did have a nice talk with heather (gate67). one of the cool side effects of this situation is that i'm getting back in touch, in a meaningful way, with friends long fallow.

sleep well, all

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Friday, July 4th, 2008
11:29 am - indecision
chris might be coming over at noon. she said she'd be over for the camping stuff. i'm here right now, but i said i would get away and i want to leave, but i feel like i'm running and i feel like i should be able to be cordial with her. but the idea of seeing her without touching her, or running another "business transaction" interaction is so loathsome...

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12:22 am - before i fall asleep
i want to relay a moment and its context.

the moment: me on my bike under the intersection of I25 and 20th street in denver, watching the fireworks and hearing the deep thumps of the ignition blasts, my hands coming up to my ears instinctively as the grand finale starts. the echo through the tunnels under the freeways amplify and extend each explosion.

the context: after work, went to dinner at Mark's up in the highlands, rode my bike. had wonderful food (tomato/zucchini salad, salmon, potato salad, blueberry cobbler a la mode). watched a couple of minutes of the olympic track trials, then remounted the bike for the 8 or so mile ride home in the dark. i was hearing explosions, wondering if there were fireworks. there were, at coors field. i turned left before downtown and rode through the new loft building neighborhood between 25 and downtown, cruising by couples, kids. pulled over by the denver skatepark to watch the fireworks, then set off to go under the interstate and get home. when i got to the place mentioned in the moment, i slammed the brakes, backtracked a couple of yards, framed it out, and just stared up with a silly smile on my face.

i started feeling like before, when i'd be on my way somewhere and something magical would happen. i think it happens just as much as before, but i've always been trying to get back home. i want my marriage to compare with these everyday magical things. i want magic. maybe that's why i can't stop reading the harry potter fanfiction. just a thought...

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Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
5:54 pm - TODAY
unlike yesterday, today has none of the fixie trixters, the yoga class, the fitness boot campers, or the wonderfully varied open mike performers. it has only the gentle drone of the telemetry montitors.

chris asked me to have lunch with her tomorrow. i turned her down because i've been planning on not seeing her and i didn't want to see her with such little notice. i'm trying to make the best out of being separate, and having lunch is counter to that. i'll be seeing her for white water rafting sat night/sun. i just don't want to be there with her right now. and she's getting more free with the emails. hopefully things will die down when we're done with this trip. we can ride out the rest of this month.

i hate this.

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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
11:49 pm - new song, apropos

Bombs way off overseas
minor distractions
the fighters over there
can't get no satisfaction

don't know how to approach
your woeful minefield
guns have i not, my love
nor any sheild

i'm mixing metaphors
with such abandon
i cannot handle

it's back to either/or
no one for all now
no way, no when
and your promise; no how

bombs way off overseas
no mere news story
the fighters over there
quickly become the quarry

but plucking flowers
down in your minefield
a deadly daisy
by flesh and will yield

saltpeter, sulphur,
and charcoal
all the ingredients
you really need

to make a body from a person
to free me

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10:51 am - mitigating factors
being in pediatric nursing class doesn't help ne with my biological clock thing, and it's another thing that i'm conscious of holding against chris, although i don't want children with her right now either, i still, independent of this situation, want to be a father. it's something i'm going to have to rein in, but with all of the other emotion management i'm attempting right now, in addition to processing, school, etc, some of this slips throught. it's not helpful, unless it's that important to me, and I don't want anything that's so important that it coopts my ability to keep living intentionally.

i'm also at a point, 4 days later (:-) of being able to be cordial with chris in our interactions. now i'm in danger of being hurt by wanting her to sign her note to me with love or any other terms of endearment.

anyone ever taken the five love languages quiz?

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Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
8:50 pm - good things
it's not like me to dwell on the negatives, and i have allowed that for a couple of days. my life refuses to stop for it, and my person refuses to bow to it. in an effort to remember the good things, i'm going to remember the good things. here.

i remember the comfort of sinfully wasting our honeymoon on culebra reading robert jordan's wheel series with the a/c on full blast for hours a day.
i remember being proud of chris for taking the staffing job when she got to denver and doing an awesome job everywhere they sent her, regardless of how lost, confused, and frustrated she was about being in a new city with a new job usually reserved for more experienced pt's.
I was well on my way to figuring out how to enjoy cuddling without expecting more.

i'll have to give it more thought. i pains me to say that i can't think of that many wonderful things right now. but this post is the good stuff. i'll try to do one of these every day.

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Monday, June 30th, 2008
10:43 pm - coffee late
at "city o'city," a really nice coffeeshop/bar right near downtown. pretty good caps, swanky gluten free desserts.
had dinner/cokes with jen and paul, along with more talk about the relationship. we established that i'm an extrovert because i get charged by being around people as opposed to being alone. i maintain that i am always charged except in extreme cases.
my love languages score was indicative that i'm in need of a multi-front attack of affection in order to really feel connected in relationships. for some people, doing that is so easy. i am needy in this way...

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1:59 pm - bring on the noise, bring on the funk
Feel free to silent me for the time being. Chris and I have been having a difficult time, and I want to write about it. I want some of my friends to know. We are separated living-wise as of 2 days ago, and 2 long nights later, I'm taking the day off. Called in to the clinical site, so I'll have to make up a day somewhere along the line. I've been answering the question, "how's life?" with "eh." I've been eating a little bit more than usual, driving more, crying regularly, and reconnecting with friends. I get the feeling that I'm no longer in "being alone" mode. Here's the jazz blues cliche lyrics i was working on last night.

It’s sort of over
feels sort of real
She’s moved out
And now she’s borrowing my wheels
I say baby, I don’t get your thinking
I’m tired of drinking but I keep on drinking

There’s no place that I’d rather be than
Back before she met me
Back when she had carefree
Written on both her sleeve

Note: I'm not actually drinking much. Although I always seem to drink more in the summer more than any other season...

Saw wall*e today and cried. It’s down to wanting something simpler, some kind of memory that I love chris and she loves me. The intensity of attempting to be perfection isn’t the choice I make. I choose the “at turns supportive, at turns irascible, but never cruel or petty.”
I know that I could do better, but I feel like I could do best. If I can’t do best, do I bother trying at all? What if I can’t be the supportive person? How is it that Chris needs that? I remember much of the things that made her angry and sad, and much of it was surprising to me. I felt like she shouldn’t feel that way because she wasn’t a child anymore. I wanted her to be mature and adult in the same way as I am. We reacted to similar social circumstances in childhood in wildly different ways. I tried to do her way, but it didn’t work for me. Is it simple enough to say that? Is it devastatingly complex? Is it cruel to say? If someone can’t live with a truth, but they live in the world, how much is it another person’s responsibility to support them like that? I try to need and use little. I try to engage, and I can feel the difference between being engaged and being separated. I want to connect with my wife. I want seattle to pale in comparison to the acceptance, strength, love and fun we have when we’re together. Do I want to much?
My therapist (i have a therapist) is trying to help me open up, feel my own requirements and sadness. Chris gets very frustrated when I don't get worked up about things. It's not like I can't cry; I don't cry over things that don't make me sad enough to cry.
The plan, as it stands, is to take a month of minimal communication, followed by two more where we'll start interacting again. I've been warned that I should be wary of getting caught thinking she isn't or can't change.
That's not all, nor will it ever be enough. I'm separated from my wife after 1 and a half years of marriage. For all that she claims to have a small capacity for difficult situations, I'm amazed she hasn't really left. When I get a glimpse of how she feels I've been to her, I get woozy, disgusted. I have to remind myself that some of the way I am is ok, that sometimes the problem is in how she reacts to it. Once it's back in my court, I try really hard to give her what she needs, but my instincts for the first go round are very poor.

current mood: sad

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Saturday, June 21st, 2008
6:47 pm - countdown
chris moves out for a couple of months, at least, at the beginning of july. that's gonna suck, folks. i can't help feeling like a big loser, and i can't help but wonder what's wrong with me. we're hoping some time is going to allow her to relax and maybe focus on whether or not she wants to be married at all, much less to me.

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Sunday, June 8th, 2008
8:26 pm - surprising tears
always an indication of some inner turmoil...

overall, a great past 24 hours

guitar date with coffee and scones
good conversation
some studying near another friend
city park sunday jazz under a cloudless sky

current mood: disappointed

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Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
10:50 pm - NYC coffeeshop musings, to be read aloud
Spent the day lounging in the nooks your mother gave you
Reading from the paper on the dangers of tomatoes
Buoyed on the gentle waves of your soft Midwestern twang
I floated to my instrument and sang

Just to get away from all the politics and fighting
Disagreements simply for the sake of disagreeing
Listening for breaks instead of honest understanding
And singing for the fame instead of saying what your seeing

I’m reaching for your heel to steady my descent
I’m decent but I get by mostly on your grace and patience
I don’t talk much sense but I swear to you I’m trying
To rise above the sea and set about to flying

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Tuesday, May 27th, 2008
10:16 pm - apologies afterwards
make me tired.

i'm waiting for chris to do some last minute work before we head out to the airport to fly to NYC for my brother's graduation. things have been so intermittently impossible that it's hard to get a bead on normalcy. Chris has this good called "Living without a goal." If there was ever an anti-zen personality, it's me, tinkering all the time, active in almost every facet of my life, even, occasionally, my autonomic nervous system. And Chris is the opposite, as it happens.

I'm all packed.

I spent a bunch of time today cleaning up, but it seems wasted. Chris doesn't care one way or the other, and I doubt the place will be cleaned when I come back on Tuesday (she gets back on Sunday night).

I'm indulging in a little bit of documented pessimism. I hardly ever write down negativity. I think that it's a way I can be more positive, doing as much filtering and positive-charging as possible before getting to the edge of my tongue or fingertips.

It's going to be odd, with my family all knowing how strange and disjointed our relationship is, to be there with Chris, making the best of it.

We've decided that it's best to have her move out for the summer to reestablish herself and get some space from the relationship for both of us. So I want her out, you know? Just not hanging around waiting for the perfect apartment to come along. But I can't bring myself to be forceful or persuasive about it. Pointed is about as forceful as I get, although I feel must stronger about it.

I'm tired; my length of time for a positive push is decreasing. And I think about that damned book over there, "Living without a goal." I think about the quote from my new therapist, who's seen me once. I said that I was so afraid because I felt that if I stopped trying to make things work, it would end, and Chris would leave. He said "She would."
She has told me that if it weren't for my sadness and desire to work on things, she would've already been gone.

I don't know how it is that things like that can be said like someone throwing trash out the window, like it'd never come back. That comment has stayed with me.

I hate single fantasies. The rise of bile in my throat when I consider reentering the dating pool. The crush of going back to living alone. Or, even better, having to have to get a roommate to make ends meet. Talk about confounding variables.

My cat is nestled between my shoulder blades. Chris needs to be home right now so we can go.

I always take hard books on trips. This time it's "Crime and Punishment." I should take short stories or something.

And how do I get over the oversensitivity?

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Monday, May 12th, 2008
11:16 pm - marriage
the term will be retooled and released with an updated scope and definition. stay tuned.

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Sunday, April 13th, 2008
9:26 pm - sometimes i can't deal either

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Tuesday, November 6th, 2007
12:44 pm - lyrics?
just write the words down
don't deny them
if it's something you can't say
just try it
and make the words container vessels
of this thing you cannot say
and wave as they sail away

something you're thinking
but not speaking
get it out of you
'cause it's wreaking
havok on every thought you're entertaining
and you'll wish you were paying attention
as the thing unsaid wraps around
and oh so slowly (gently) pulls you down

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Sunday, November 4th, 2007
11:12 pm - oh, the music is freakin' everywhere!
A cowrite with Heather, aka Gate67 here in La-Ja Land. I know she was thinking more of a Paul Simon feel, but here's what my brain did. So here's for smoking when you can't be making time.

current mood: accomplished

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Monday, October 29th, 2007
2:39 pm - embedded me!
a love song to an all night diner

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